Try
by spike summers
Summary: Spikes point of view


Title: Try to forgive me. Summary: Spike POV. Set after seein red, and grave. Disclaimer: I own nothing; the ideas are mine and nothing else. Hail to Joss he's a god among men. Notes: I put a piece of my soul in my work, don't steal my work. I wrote this for my friend. She's one of the most devoted Buffy fans I've seen and it shows on her cite.  
  
** I can see it, poking through my heart. The sharp end of a knife. Buffy's standing above me. Why isn't she helping, take it out, push it in, end my suffering. She doesn't notice, there are still too many other vamps around. The sound of bones breaking breaks my concentration. I need to help the slayer. My slayer, the only one who could end my life, without wanting too.  
  
I still hear her words as I sit up, "I don't love you..." then latter "you have to move on". If only she knew what that meant to me. I can't move on, I love her too much. I try standing and only succeed in leaning against the tree trunk. She never loved me, what ever I felt before, what ever she felt, it wasn't love. I can't love; I'm an evil soulless thing. And yet here I am, home from Africa, newly souled, fighting next to my slayer. She doesn't even flinch as the demon hit her in the temple.  
  
I reach behind me and pull the blade out, big mistake. That little bit of pain was nothing compared to what I feel now. A new wave of pain sweeps over me, I'm sinking into the ground. Buffy I can't do much more then call her name as darkness comes over me. Pain leaving, no more thoughts of blood, no more suffering, no more fake love. I wont have to see any of it anymore. Ill get to do something I regretted, I didn't say bye to the pixie, but ill be seeing her soon enough.  
  
My last thoughts are of her, will she be safe now. What if angel comes back, that stupid pounce, he was never good for her. What if the witch loses it again? What's gunna happen to Niblet? I need to be there to protect her. But there's no chance of that now. I cant even save myself now. I hold a hand to my chest the blood pours over it. Red, warm blood. It used to be the difference between me going hungry or not. Now it's what's left of my life, blood moving slowly through my chest, pulled from my veins, ending up in my hand.  
  
There's nothing left for me, I cant even keep my hand across the impalement. She's still fighting, still keeping the demons away from me. She always was a fighter, never giving in no matter what. I'm not the same, I have to give in, there's too much pain I've caused. I let my hand fall as I look towards the east. The suns coming, I just want to hold on long enough to see it again before... Well before I'm gone for good.  
  
The last demon is gone and Buffy walks over to me, she holds a hand to my neck letting me lean into her. I stay there, letting her pull me closer to her. My hands are drenched in blood; I can feel the pain leaving me. There's not much time left.  
  
I pull away from her, "Buffy, watch the sun with me" I can barley talk, the blood drips more from my mouth, the knife must have cut my heart in half. It's the only way a vamp could bleed like I am now, without dusting. She nods and we sit against the tree looking at the rising sun. I look at the clouds changing bright colors, for nearly a century I hated that sight, it meant I had to leave, to find shelter from the light. But today I welcome it; I turn towards her and kiss her. "I love you Buffy". She starts crying and holds me closer, "Since when". She's playing our game, "since one night a few years ago when I met you at the bronze, and said I'd kill you". She smiles and kisses me, "don't leave me spike, they all left me. Don't leave". I hate the harsh truth, "I don't want to lov, ill try not to." After a few minutes I don't feel any pain so I close my eyes.  
  
Someone's next to me, shaking me. "Spike, wake up your home". I look up, its pixie. "Tara, where am I". There's no pain in me anymore and as I open my eyes it's a bright field with flowers everywhere, like the place in London I used to live at. "Tara am I..."  
  
She kisses me and nods sadly, "its ok spike, you belong here. Your home"  
  
There's too much joy and love here for it to be home. I'm a vampire; I deserve to be in hell, I deserve to have pain. Day after day, for eternity. I don't deserve this. I turn to her. "I can't be home, this is heaven I don't belong here."  
  
She hugs me, "its home and there's someone I want you to see." she leads me to a swing hanging from the tree. My sister sits there wearing a summer dress. She holds a flower, "hello William." ***  
  
Authors note: I don't know how to end this. Its kind of hard to explain, I always knew spike would go to heaven. But the problem comes when you try killing him, he can't die from a stake through the heart, he's too human to die that way. SO I gave him the escape he wanted. By the way... Vamps can bleed to death by having their hearts cut from their chest. Look it up if you don't believe me. 


End file.
